Brandon and I have discipled many couples throughout our nine years in ministry together, and one of our greatest joys has been walking with couples who feel led to go into ministry. We’ve gotten to hone in on several aspects of counseling that are really important for Christ-followers to consider before getting married, especially those entering ministry.
To be honest, I’m not entirely sure we asked each other every single one of these questions before we got married, but over the years, we’ve learned the answers, and knowing these answers has helped us measure expectations, challenge each other, and grow deeper, spiritually, as a couple.
Ministry, especially church-planting, puts a target on your marriage. What better way for the enemy to discredit the Lord than to publicly unravel the marriage of one of His ardent followers? We believe knowing the answers to these questions help safeguard against attacks by assuaging incorrect assumptions, knowing how to best protect each other, learning how your partner receives love, and getting on the same page about issues that could otherwise be divisive.
Here’s our list. We’d love to hear your thoughts, or any questions you might add!
Spiritual:
Answers to these questions are of the utmost importance. When the Bible says not to be unequally yoked, it’s not simply talking about a Believer and a non-Believer; it also means that someone who’s actively growing and pursuing God should not settle for a relationship with a lukewarm Christian. These answers could be hard to hear; a lot of times, the relationship has already started and learning that their person isn’t as passionate about Christ can cause denial… “they’ll come around,” or “can you disciple them?” What the heartbroken soul is really asking is for the pastor to spiritually fix their boyfriend or girlfriend so they’ll feel good about dating them. These questions should be the ones that are asked first to avoid that heartache. You can know, from the very beginning, where someone stands spiritually, and build a foundation from there.
How and when did you start following Jesus?
Who is discipling you? What does that look like?
What are your strongest spiritual disciplines? What are your weakest?
Who pastors you?
How do you make disciples?
Have you ever experienced doubt in your relationship with God, and if so, how did you walk through that?
Theology:
Many times, the way people handle and apply the Bible to their lives speaks gives insight into their character. Do they let the hard passages challenge them or do they tiptoe around convictions? Do they believe the inerrancy of scripture or do they cherry-pick the Word? Learning theological views is just as important as learning their spiritual habits; their views on the Word often shape their spiritual priorities. Here are some questions we thought might help shed light on where someone stands in their understanding of God’s Word.
What do you believe about the Bible? (Inerrancy of scripture)
How do you handle the Bible, especially difficult passages?
What do you believe about the importance of the local church?
What do you believe about Jesus?
Character:
The character of a person is vital. Many times, we think we know someone’s character, but true traits come out when life is rough and tough decisions have to be made. Their character will shape the type of spouse, parent, and friend they will be, even if they haven’t had the best role models in the past. It takes time to learn someone’s character, but we tried to craft some questions that could help you learn early on.
What’s your dream job?
Have you ever had to forgive someone who didn’t deserve it? How did you do that?
If you could give away $1 million, which charities would you give it to?
What’s your relationship with money? Did you grow up with it? How much do you care about/prioritize money?
Who’s the most influential person in your life?
Relationship expectations:
Once the spiritual piece has been established, you can build relationship expectations. These questions could have fluid answers, and sometimes there’s a lot of joy in noticing what
What is the purpose of the relationship?
What drew you together? What keeps you together?
What are your expectations about our spiritual lives? For the amount of time we’ll spend together?
How will you protect the purity of our hearts throughout our relationship?
What’s your idea of the best date ever?
What will our boundaries look like?
Emotional:
These questions are good, especially to help serve and understand one another. They also help temper expectations, because often what you do on a bad day looks different from what I do on a bad day. But if you know ahead of time how to best care for each other when one is up and one is down, the emotional aspects of your relationship can start in a healthier place.
What do you do when you’re sad? Angry? In a good mood? When you’re stressed?
What causes certain emotions - what makes you angry or sad? What puts you in a good mood?
Mental:
Again, like emotional health, mental health is equally important. Knowing the answers to these questions helps you serve one another and guard each other from false assumptions and hurt feelings.
How do you maintain your mental health (without becoming self-focused)?
What apps are most used on your phone?
What do you do in your free time?
Are you more introverted or extroverted?
This is, by no means, an extensive list. But we do think the spiritual piece should be the foundation upon which a relationship is built, and allows the Lord to draw your hearts closer to Him as you grow closer to each other.
Let us know what questions worked for you!
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